As a couple, you may sometimes wonder if the frequency or intensity of disagreements in your relationship is normal. While every relationship is unique, research suggests some healthy ranges for fighting. Understanding what defines a healthy level of conflict can provide reassurance or highlight areas for growth. Let’s explore studies on how often happy couples typically argue. You’ll learn techniques for resolving issues constructively and identifying when professional support may be warranted.  

What Counts as Fighting in a Relationship?

A partner or relationship disagreement qualifies as a fight when emotions are heightened, and communication breaks down. Here are other instances:

• Verbal aggression, raised voices, hurtful insults, and accusations are forms of verbal aggression that constitute fighting. Repeated criticism and sarcasm also chip away at the foundation of a healthy relationship.
• Defensiveness. When partners become defensive, they no longer listen to understand the other person’s perspective. Defensiveness often escalates conflict rather than resolves it.
• Contempt expressing disgust, rolling eyes, and using a condescending tone are signs of contempt, the most significant predictors of relationship failure. 
• Stonewalling. Refusing to communicate or engage with your partner is stonewalling, which can lead to feelings of rejection and abandonment. It is damaging behavior that should be addressed.
• Lack of compromise. Refusing to find common ground and meet in the middle will ensure that disagreements frequently become fights. Compromise and a willingness to understand your partner’s needs are requirements for a healthy relationship.

Frequency of Fighting in Healthy Relationships

The frequency with which couples argue or fight is not inherently indicative of the health of a relationship. What truly matters is how couples communicate and resolve their disagreements. While frequent, unresolved conflict can damage relationship satisfaction and longevity, some degree of disagreement is normal and even healthy.

Communication and Conflict Resolution

For healthy couples, arguments tend to be less frequent and focus on specific issues, not personal attacks. Compromise and active listening are emphasized over proving a point. Apologies are offered and accepted readily. Solutions are found by openly discussing each person’s perspective and priorities. These couples view conflict as an opportunity to better understand their partner, not as a threat to the relationship.

Finding the Right Balance

Every couple is different in how often they clash, but arguing a few times per month is typical for healthy relationships. If fights happen multiple times a week or daily, the relationship likely needs work on communication and conflict resolution strategies. On the other hand, if a couple never argues, one or both partners may avoid the honest expression of their needs, which can breed resentment over the long run.

Signs Your Fighting Might be Unhealthy

Constant Negativity

If your arguments frequently focus on blaming and criticizing each other, this can damage your relationship over time. Healthy couples argue over specific issues, not personal flaws. 

Personal Attacks

Resorting to personal insults, hurtful comments, or abusive behavior during arguments is a major red flag. Yelling, threatening, or name-calling have no place in a healthy relationship. If this happens often, consider seeking counseling to address underlying communication issues and set ground rules for productive disagreement.

Stonewalling

If one partner frequently shuts down or withdraws emotionally during arguments, it becomes impossible to resolve issues. The stonewalling partner should try to stay engaged, while the other partner should avoid escalating the argument. Let tensions cool off if emotions run high, but revisit the discussion once you’ve calmed down and can listen to each other.

Even the healthiest couples argue from time to time. While frequent fighting can be destructive, the occasional disagreement is customary and even healthy for a relationship. We can help you learn how to resolve conflicts in your relationship; reach out and book our couples therapy or relationship counseling today.