Couples Therapy

Do You Feel Like The Spark Has Gone Out Of Your Relationship?

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Is your relationship or marriage going through a rough patch?
Do you and your partner keep having the same argument again and again?
Over time, have the two of you drifted apart and become preoccupied with other interests?

Maybe you find yourselves arguing more than usual and can’t compromise on important issues. Whenever disagreements arise, you end up arguing in circles and can’t achieve a resolution. Or perhaps a sense of listlessness has come over your relationship—the spark has left your romance, and you don’t feel deeply in love anymore. In your heart of hearts, you probably wish there were some way to rekindle that spark.

Your Relationship Could Be Hampered By Differing Expectations

When you and your partner first fell in love, your connection probably felt natural and seamless. You didn’t anticipate all the conflict that you’d run into years down the road. But later, you might have begun to say to yourself: This isn’t the person I thought I knew.

New disagreements may have arisen. You and your partner may realize that you have different visions for your future together. You may disagree about sex, finances, parenting, and other issues that affect your relationship.

The good news is that you don’t have to see eye to eye on everything. The key to a strong relationship is not to be in continual agreement, but to be able to compromise in a fair way. In couples therapy, my goal is to help you and your partner learn to work through conflict constructively and set aside some of your own habits and interests for the sake of your relationship.

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Conflict Is What Allows A Relationship To Grow

All couples quarrel from time to time. When executed well, quarreling can actually strengthen your connection and help you understand each other’s perspectives better. The trouble comes when heightened emotions, entrenched patterns, and poor communication block resolution. This happens when both partners are focused on “winning” arguments instead of trying to understand each other or reach an agreement through active listening.

Handling conflict well means practicing the art of “fair fighting.” This is a skill that most couples can learn. It entails avoiding hostile or inflammatory language and maintaining a focus on one current issue at a time. The partners deliberately take time off to cool down before revisiting the issues that fueled the argument. When couples aren’t able to fight fairly, or revisit their issues without relaunching their anger, they should seek professional help.

Unfortunately, Too Many Couples Try To Avoid Conflict Altogether

Frequently, they try to suck up their feelings instead of working things out. They avoid sensitive topics because they’re afraid of stirring the pot. The problem is that you can only “suck it up” for so long. Eventually the day comes when couples can no longer hold their emotions inside, and then they have a royal fight, full of inflammatory remarks like “You always do X” followed by “That’s because you never do Y.”

There is great wisdom in learning to avoid such accusatory language. Couples counseling can help you avoid using words like “always” and “never” and teach you communication methods to build each other up.

Therapy Can Help Couples Bridge Their Differences And Work Together As A Team

Let’s face it: nobody gets their way 100 percent in a relationship. That’s why my ultimate goal as a therapist is to help couples learn to negotiate conflict. Many people disdain the word “negotiate” and think it sounds crass. But when you’re working through conflict, negotiation is essentially what you’re doing—bargaining with each other with the end goal of reaching a fair agreement. Each person gives up something in order to preserve the relationship, while retaining other things that they consider essential to preserve their self-esteem.

In therapy, I teach couples new ways to negotiate with each other so that they can stop getting stuck in the same patterns of unhealthy communication. Instead of using “you” statements like “You have a problem with money,” couples can learn to use “we” statements like “We have a problem with money” or “What can we do differently?” In this way, you’ll be able to work together as a team to seek solutions that benefit the relationship instead of gaining domination over your partner.

What To Expect In Couples Counseling Sessions

I will start by doing a joint session with both of you to assess your relationship’s strengths and weaknesses. The majority of counseling will take place with the three of us, since it’s essential that both of you are equally committed to healing your relationship. Even so, I will have occasional sessions with each of you individually, especially at the beginning. The purpose of solo sessions, in addition to gathering information, is for me to get to know you as an individual and develop empathy for you as a person so that we can make sure there’s no taking sides.

The treatment plan is ultimately customized to suit the needs of each couple. In some cases, I might pursue a more insight-oriented approach, taking an in-depth look into how your individual histories affect your relationship and how you can increase your awareness of your relationship and its pitfalls.

For other couples, I may take a more task-oriented approach to therapy. This may mean giving you homework assignments for changing your behavior and interactions. A lot of these assignments are rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is all about exploring the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and actions. When you change your behavior, your mood and your perspective on life generally follow suit.

Whether you benefit from an insight-oriented or task-oriented approach, I’m confident that I can find something that works for you. I have long-term experience helping couples navigate troubled marriages and relationships. I have done marriage counseling for the Archdiocese of New Orleans and social agencies such as the Family Service Association and the Insight Program. Between my experience and your commitment, I believe that you and your partner can bridge your differences and heal your relationship.

You May Have Some Questions About Couples Therapy…

Won’t therapy just make us fight more?

It is very rare that therapy makes couples fight more. That’s because my approach helps you and your partner disarm hostile communication and teaches you to view yourselves as a team. You will practice conflict-resolution skills until they become second nature, and navigating arguments feels seamless. And if you ever feel that you’re definitely unable to work through your issues peacefully, individual therapy is always an option.

How long will couples therapy last?

Therapy lasts as long as you find it useful. There is no formula for the number of sessions—every couple has their own timetable. You and your significant other determine the pace of counseling, and I’m here to follow your lead. Throughout counseling, we reevaluate your conflict resolution and assess how well you’re meeting your goals.

What if my partner doesn’t want to come to therapy?

If you come by yourself, I can teach you coping skills as well as ways to positively affect your relationship. Obviously, couples therapy works best when both partners are equally involved. But if your partner refuses to come with you, you can make progress by working on your relationship issues individually.

Rekindle Your Romance With My Support

Over the years, I’ve helped many couples stay together and renew their affection. I would feel privileged to help you and your partner reignite the spark at the heart of your romance. To learn more about how couples and marriage therapy can help you, you can call me at 504-219-1446. I do my best to personally answer every phone call!

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