Some potentially negative lessons can be internalized in a culture raised on concepts like “completing” each other. This goes double if a natural nurturer connects with someone who needs a lot of reassurance. Unbeknownst to them, they could be walking the road to codependency. It’s not easy to recognize and, thus, can sneak up on you.

Codependency is not a diagnosis, but it does involve a range of behavioral tendencies that can sabotage a marriage. To avoid this insidious trap, both partners must identify the signs, symptoms, and solutions. Let’s get started by taking a closer look at what causes a codependent marriage. 

What is Codependency in a Marriage?

The term codependency was first used solely in relation to substance abuse. Eventually, however, it became clear that this pattern was far more widespread. When someone with a victim mentality teams up with another person who behaves like a rescuer, an imbalanced relationship is looming. What initially looks like an ideal match is, in reality, a flood of controlling and enabling choices.

Yes, you can be addicted to the idea of a relationship. It’s where you feel important and validated. Those feelings can be healthy, but in a codependent marriage, they get twisted around. On the surface, all the giving and taking is the envy of outsiders. In reality, both partners need to do some soul-searching.

What Does a Codependent Marriage Look Like?

It’s useful to examine this situation through the lens of takers and caretakers. While every marriage contains unique factors, there are some common red flags to watch for.

• Taker: This partner derives meaning and happiness from being reliant on someone else, being catered to, and being the center of attention. They come to need external approval, which leads to further dysfunction. For example, the taker develops a sense of learned helplessness rather than working to become more self-sufficient.
• Caretaker: A person like this feels best when playing the martyr. They can’t say no and prefer to give, give, give. This validates them but also stresses them out. In response, a caretaker can become a controller in the name of being a better helper. 

Needless to say, such dynamics can transform a loving relationship into a vortex of stress. It’s as if both partners are playing a role. Their priority is to maintain the facade, which reduces fun, intimacy, and growth. Imagine feeling stuck but not being able to pinpoint the causes.

A Few More Signs to Look For

• Lack of healthy communication
• Feeling unappreciated and trapped
• Lack of boundaries
• Low self-esteem
• Avoiding conflict to not face up to what’s going on
• Concern about what your partner “really” thinks about you

Possible Solutions For a Codependent Marriage

You can recover. You can thrive in your relationship again. But you’ll need some outside help. A skilled professional can offer an informed perspective. Psychotherapy has a stellar record in creating outcomes like:

• Identifying where and how negative patterns have taken hold
• Learning how to become more independent as individuals and more honest as spouses 
• Improving communication skills so you may be less reactive and more curious 
• Being guided by your unique wants and needs
• Never tolerating abuse in any form 
• Examining your past experiences to comprehend root causes better 
• Taking responsibility for your own happiness 

It takes courage to shine a light on what is weakening your marriage. Doing so in the presence of an unbiased guide is a proven method for creating positive, sustainable change. If this post hits too close to home, I urge you to reach out for couples therapy. Let’s connect, talk, and explore together.

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