Tense family arguments become inflamed altercations when just the right facial expression pushes conflict to higher levels.

There is nothing like your sister’s rolling eyes to make you feel disrespected.

Your partner’s shoulder shrug has an infuriating way of dismissing your point of view.

A sender’s body language communicates something clearly to a receiver during conflict.

And those nonverbal messages often make a bad situation worse.

The emotional messages conveyed by facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, or shifts in your posture can say things you’re unwilling to say aloud. Or they may simply leave room for considerable misinterpretation. If family members struggle to communicate honestly and productively, body language is sometimes perceived incorrectly. People who are angry or hurt may send mixed messages out of nervousness, insecurity, or defensiveness.

Here are 5 common ways that body language keeps family arguments going:

1. Pressured speech.

   During family arguments, how words are delivered matters. One of the primary ways that people egg each other on is a rapid, loud way of talking that allows for no interruption, seems exceedingly inconsiderate, and ramps up fights quickly. One person raises their voice, then the other, and soon it escalates into an all out quarrel. The trick is to lower your voice, not to raise it. If your partner’s speech becomes pressured, then you can lower your voice in return. If your partner lowers his or her voice after you speak with pressured speech, please do not accuse your partner of attempting to control you, but rather, see it as a kindness and an effort to cool things down. 

2. Finger pointing and defensive gesturing.

   Communicating with clenched fists, hands up and moving rapidly, or a finger in the face, raises the ire of anyone trying to be heard. Those types of gestures feel like obstacles to a balanced, fair interaction or an invasion of the open floor between you. They appear to shut the other person out, push them away, or demean them. Open palm gestures seem less intimidating. Put your finger in your holster.

3. Excessive eye contact.

   Stare downs are a challenge. Averted eyes are a dismissal. When you cross conversational lines from an open gaze that says, “I am paying attention,” to a furrowed brow and intense glare that communicates, “ my way, or else,” to a blank, disinterested stare, conflicts will not be easily resolved. In fact, research shows that eye contact should strike a more helpful balance, suggesting that lowering eyes briefly throughout family arguments will help soften negativity and imply a less aggressive mindset.

4. Superior posturing.

   Arguments between family members can get out of hand if one person suspects that nonverbal messages about family roles or pecking order are being played out in body language. A mother may stand very rigidly, or fold her arms across her chest to express her displeasure, withdrawal, or defensiveness. An older brother may use a height advantage to stand too close or look down on a sibling during heated discussions. A spouse may approach his seated partner and stand over her. Seated, eye-level conversations are more productive.

5. Ill-timed smiling.

   Smiling in the midst of conflict can easily be misinterpreted. It’s that disconnect between the emotional upheaval being experienced and the goodwill a smile is supposed to imply that becomes a further point of offense. Even if it is just a nervous grin or giggling, due to the conflict, you may as well be baring your teeth in a condescending challenge or laughing in outright mockery. Try relaxing your facial muscles and saving smiles for later. Snickering is never appropriate during an argument. 

When you’re in the middle of an argument, being more emotionally self aware and conscious of your own body language may help you communicate what it is you really want to say. Your family is trying to read you as much and as accurately as they can, but misinterpretation happens when emotions run high. Intentionally send signals that project calm and cooperation. Think about your hands and posture, and adjust them to match your thoughts and words. You tell what you show.

If you’re struggling with arguments in your relationship, contact me to see how couples therapy can help you improve your communication and better handle disagreements.