Gina is nervous about being back in the dating game. She wants love but she’s not sure if she’d recognize it if she saw it. In fact, she’s worried she’ll get ahead of herself and read love where only limerence, or intense infatuation, lies.

She made that mistake before. Truthfully, that’s why she’s back in the dating game. She “loved” her last partner to distraction. She obsessed over every interaction.

Though Gina knew she was driving him away, she had felt driven to seek him out, to beg for more time together, to make him pay attention to her.

How will she know now if she’s “crazy in love” or loving in a way that’s healthy and long term?

What about you?

Are you also given to limerence? Are you sure you can tell the difference between love and obsession?

The term limerence was first coined by the late psychologist and author Dorothy Tennov. The term denotes intense, romantic attraction to another person, shaped by intrusive, compulsive thoughts and a strong desire to create a relationship in which this desire is reciprocated.

Current studies indicate that romantic obsession is likely linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder and addictive behavior. It is marked by physical discomfort and the rush of dopamine that accompanies standard romance, except that the rush also follows the disinterest, dismissal, and outright rejection of the love object.

Limerence actually increases under negative circumstances and keeps you looking for love in all the wrong places. Attention-seeking and romantic feelings grow irrationally as obsession feeds the pursuit of the “limerent object” and the reward of mental dopamine.

Can you tell whether you are heading toward a healthy, fulfilling mutual relationship or being pulled into an overwhelming and absorbing attachment?

When your love is new, and each thought is an inspiration, it can be difficult to know the difference.

Consider the following ways to help you determine the difference between love and limerence:

• Love supports mutual happiness and connection. Both of you should be able to maintain peace of mind about the progression of your relationship.

Limerence is controlling and power-focused. It attempts to make the other person recognize how dependent he or she is on the relationship.

• Love is a supportive partnership.

Limerence wants to set the relationship in a weak/strong framework. The person experiencing limerence prefers to be the rescuer or hero, rewarded with a grateful partner.

• Love is relational, reciprocal, and recognized by both people.

Limerence is unrequited. One person is deeply connected and often self-destructive as they realize the relationship is not regarded similarly by the limerent object.

• Love facilitates mature, honest communication and interaction.

Limerence uses game-playing, manipulation, and dramatic interaction to maintain a dating partner’s attention, despite the tendency for situations to play out negatively.

• Love allows for flexibility in relationship roles so that both partners are well served.

Limerence usually adheres to gender stereotypes. Weaker women in need of rescue, together with an aggressive man are often parts of limerent fantasies.

• Love includes a desire for physical intimacy with your partner.

Limerence doesn’t often aim for more than attracting and holding the object of affection, not a sexual connection.

• Love is freedom. A love relationship is marked by the ability to achieve optimal distance. You and your dating partner should be able to pursue your own interests and share experiences later.

Limerence is characterized by extreme and overwhelming dependency and insecurity.

If you find yourself easily swept away, behaving in ways that aren’t healthy or drawing your love interest closer, it’s time to take a step back. Seek the objective opinion and guidance of a therapist who can help you develop the relationship skills for real and enduring love through relationship counseling. Contact me to learn more.