All Couples fight.

And for many, the word “fair” rarely comes to mind when tensions rise.

Partners often have points to make and scorecards in their heads.

In the heat of verbal battle, it seems that only one can win.

Unfortunately, that approach does not make for a happy marriage.

Fair fighting, in a healthy marriage, means that spouses don’t want to make losers out of each other.

Conflict is natural and, when executed well, can be an opportunity to deepen your connection and to honor your commitment to a lifetime of love. You then come away from an argument saying to yourself, “Our relationship is so strong we will stay together even though we get angry with each other.”

Fair Fighting: Ground Rules and Conflict Resolution Strategies

If you and your spouse lean more toward sarcasm, shouting, or the silent treatment during disagreements, the fair fighting approach can help you communicate clearly and respectfully.

First, establish the following ground rules:

1. Stay calm.

Make sure you are able to engage rationally and considerately. Keep your voice down and your speech unpressured. If your partner forgets, and raises his voice, immediately lower your voice rather than ramping up.

2. Avoid kitchen-sink fighting.

Don’t drift into past grievances. Focus on the here-and-now. Discuss only the specific issue at hand. Discuss only one issue at a time.

3. Be careful about your language.

Adopt “We” and “I” communication rather than “You” accusations. Try statements such as, “It looks like we’re having a hard time getting along right now . . . ,” and “I feel angry . . . ” rather than “You make me want to scream . . . ,” which just makes your partner defensive and unable to hear you.
Banish “You never” and “You always” and “Wrong” from your vocabulary. Refrain also from asking questions that begin with “Why.” Calling your spouse’s motivations into question puts her on the defensive; instead, ask questions beginning with “How,” “When,” or “What.”

Never tell your spouse “You should’ve” or “You ought to.” Never use swearwords. Never throw things at the wall or ball up your fist. Never call your spouse names.

4. Relate accurately, respectfully, and compassionately.

Again, avoid kitchen-sink fighting: resist piling on irrelevant or harsh complaints and overblown reactions, or exploiting sensitive topics. Do not use information your partner told you in confidence, during a moment of closeness, as a weapon against him; if you do that, you are discouraging future closeness and disclosure. Maintain trust and protect areas of vulnerability. Tact is just as important in an intimate relationship as in the workplace. Perhaps even more so, especially during conflict.

5. Don’t disappear or shut down.

Reassure your spouse that you’ll revisit the topic when you’ve calmed down and regained your composure.

Next, mutually decide on an appropriate time to come together.

Hear your partner out with an open mind using the following procedures:

1. Define the issue precisely.

Fair fighting is built on specifics. Vague issues are difficult to address and add to frustrations. An issue is not a problem; an issue is a point of dispute. Issues are topics that are viewed differently by different people. Problems are major and minor difficulties that must be overcome. Problems are not controversial in the way that issues are. For example, until 2015, the adoption and implementation of Obamacare was an issue. Poor internet network access in rural areas is a problem. You may have the opinion that your partner has a problem with alcohol; if he disagrees, then that is not a problem, but an issue.

2. Determine your individual conflict resolution goals in as specific a manner as possible.

Do you know what you want from your partner? Consider the ideal outcome. How would you like to see your relationship or circumstances change, improve, or grow?

3. Accept responsibility.

Acknowledge that your desire for initiating the discussion about the issue is your own. Avoid projecting your problems onto your spouse, and admit your contributions to the issue. Share your own feelings, and do your best to avoid blame.

4. Honor your partner and relationship.

• Be honest. It’s counterproductive to withhold information or to avoid facing significant issues.
• Be present and responsive. Listen with few interruptions (Learning to do this usually takes practice and self-restraint). Reflect and restate what you have heard in order to assure your partner of your understanding.
• Be open-minded. Can you see your partner’s point? You don’t have to agree in order to achieve a deeper level of insight and understanding.

5. Seek a win/win resolution.

Intimacy is best defined as a close and inter-dependent relationship informed by an explicitly and continually renegotiated balance between two autonomous individuals. Understand that negotiation is a necessary and normal part of close relationships. There are some people who disdain negotiation, identifying it as crass, but that is an idea that is, in my judgment, excessively innocent and unworldly.

Couples who fail to negotiate wind up with a relationship based upon dominance, submission, manipulation, and resentment. From time to time, renegotiation of settled issues is necessary as life circumstances change.

During negotiations, propose solutions that each of you feels will solve the problem. What are the pros and cons of each proposed solution? Refrain from competitive bargaining. Use cooperative bargaining instead.

6. Compromise.

Look at options. The more possibilities you can identify, the less either of you will feel yourself to be the conflict “loser.” But understand the difference between sacrifice and compromise. Refrain from announcing that you have already made a compromise in your mind, and expecting your partner to accept it as a compromise: part of that is identified by mediators as “negotiating against yourself”; the other part of that is excessively controlling, and in effect, a foreclosure of negotiation. Instead, wait for your partner to propose a solution that may or may not be acceptable to you, and then consider it as well as your reaction to it.

Also, understand that there are two methods of negotiating a compromise. The usual method, meeting halfway, involves both partners giving in a bit on the same issue. For instance, “Let’s meet at a restaurant that is halfway between your office and mine.” The less utilized method is quid pro quo negotiating: “Suppose we go to the restaurant near my office today; in return, I will take the kids to see Cinderella on Saturday so you can have a break from child care.”

7. Move forward.

If you’ve reached a mutually satisfying resolution, celebrate your success! However, recognize that an unresolved issue need not be a source of resentment. You and your partner may simply decide to revisit the issue later. If you’re really stuck, fair fighting may also clarify relationship issues that may be indicators for couples therapy or marriage counseling and some additional direction.

Fair Fighting: A way to turn conflict into deeper connection

With the ground rules and fair fighting procedures in place, you can learn appropriately to combine your thoughts and words, ensuring that you say what you mean to say.

You’ll become more adept at reading how well you’re understood by your partner, while patiently and kindly working through your partner’s response, whatever it may be.

Fair fighting is a process that leads to an improved sense of marital loyalty, to an individual and relationship needs-assessment, and to the creation of a vibrant, healthy environment for becoming better communicators who build and sustain a supportive and loving future together.

If you’d like to learn techniques to communicate better with your partner, contact me to schedule an appointment for couples therapy.