After the affair, you likely contemplated many things:

Will you stay?

Is there enough love to move forward?

Can you accept that life together may forever be thought of in terms of “before and after?”

How in the world can you trust again?

At first, it may seem your situation should be handled in-house.

You may want to put it behind you, move on, get over it, and try to recover on your own.

Unfortunately, that approach often fails to recognize the hard truths of rebuilding trust after the affair.

Consider these steps for restoring faith in each other instead.

4 Steps to Building Trust after the Affair

1. Heal with the appropriate help.

The road ahead requires a guide. Trust-building is too important to be left to a trial and error, fingers-crossed, “hope-for-the-best” approach. It usually doesn’t go well and wastes valuable time and flickering hope.

Trust is precious, if it is to be regained, you need to capitalize on the desire to reconcile with a professional trained to help you through grief, self examination, and reconnection. He or she will guide your efforts, help you recognize the good and the bad, challenge you to make important changes, and support you when things get rough.

2. Become an open book, an open laptop, an open smartphone, etc.

In other words, hide nothing. Trust between you and your partner is broken because honesty and transparency have not been the priorities they should be. If you betrayed your spouse, correcting this reality will require bending over backward to demonstrate your trustworthiness. Personal space, but no secrets allowed.

In the interest of moving forward, it is not too much to expect that passwords are unprotected, social media is suspended, and all answers are made available upon request. The unfaithful spouse should place his or her spouse’s need for full disclosure above his or her own wish for privacy.

It is crucial to be available and accountable as an act of commitment and a demonstration of love.

Each honored request rehabilitates trust and intimacy between you.

As time goes on, a betrayed spouse is reassured by his or her partner’s sincerity.

3. Be faithful to faithfulness.

Exclusivity is non-negotiable when re-building trust in a committed relationship. Demonstrate that you are maritally “all in” and totally monogamous. Not because you’re forced into it. Not because you “should.”

Be sure you are choosing faithfulness because you’re committed to your spouse.

Be certain you value fidelity as a core relationship principle and want to be there.

There is no room for comfort or security found through the attentions of someone else.

Choose each other and honor that choice daily.

4. Respect, responsibility, and release.

After the affair, you and your partner must return to a place of trust and safety. Who you are together must be more than just a couple recovering from infidelity. The wronged partner now must move beyond grief and rage to re-claim his or her part in the relationship. He or she must refrain from continual punishment and retaliation for the betrayal. You both have work to do.

Your relationship may have contained dynamics, unhappiness, or resentments one or both of you sought to escape. Mutual trust comes with serious examination and repair.

Rebuilding trust is a trying process without shortcuts or inauthenticity.

Still, the outcome can be immensely satisfying if you are brave and willing.

Starting fresh means that both of you “come clean,” release unproductive approaches to managing unmet needs, and establish commitment to partnership and accountability.

Ultimately, trust is the prerequisite for sincere forgiveness. Love takes time. Trust takes longer.

With guidance, it can be done and, in time, your relationship can be made stronger. Contact me to learn more about how couples therapy can provide you with the guidance you need to find trust again.